I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
