So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
