This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
