I wish my penis had an off switch
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
