If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
