Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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