And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
