He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
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I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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