I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We smell like vodka and hangover
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
