true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
