i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
