I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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