Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
