"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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