She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
