Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
