you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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