He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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