Yo dont text me then not text me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
