Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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