Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
