i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
