I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I have surprise drugs for everyone
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
