So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
