He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
