Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
