Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
