Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
