Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
