i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
