I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
