This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
