oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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