I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
