and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
