He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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