Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
