I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
