I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
