i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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