I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
