so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
