i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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