69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
