yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
