We named our party play list daddy issues
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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