you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
