So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
