Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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