I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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