Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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