If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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