M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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