it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
